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Fan WritingStories, page 2Dear Jonathan, you gave me some of the very special moments in my life. It was you, that awakes in me the willing to act. I got this impulse, as i saw the motion picture "The Neverending Story II". You was so great in there, that i must still cry everytime i see it, at the whole movie. You are the on, that maketh me an actor. I am so thankfull to you, that your parents gave you birth and that god had the neverending grace to brought you on our little planet and allows, that we all could find some joy in you to see you on screen and in movies. But the most luck must that one had, that became aquainted with you. I never get it, but i am very sure, you were a special man and human. So, Jon, i want you to know, that i will never forget you and will tell all people on my way about you and what you did for me - for us all. The remembrance about you may never die. You ever will be in our hearts, ´till we meet us all in heaven. Good bye. I love you Jon, see you. Contributed by Andrew Anthony Lucas In my case, I think that it's safe to say that Jonathan Brandis was my first real crush. I was in third grade when SeaQuest DSV first aired, and I immediately adored him. Unlike some, I didn't find out about his death until I came home from school for the holidays. I was very shocked to see his name in the tributes section of Entertainment Weekly's Year in Review issue. Since then, I have been searching the Internet trying to find some answers, but unfortunately there haven't been many answers to all of the questions that I have. The journalist in me, and the fan in me, wants more of my questions answered. Shame on the media for not following up on this story the way they should be because of all of the demand. Initial reports stated that no official cause of death would be released until toxicology reports came back in the four to six weeks that it would take. So here it is, December 24, more than the allotted four to six weeks, and I haven't seen any follow up. May the torment that he was feeling that caused him to take his own life be at rest. Jonathan will be sorely missed, may he rest in peace. Contributed by Elizabeth I first noticed him during the Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter, and I was an adolescent pre-teen going through many issues at the time, among them being peer-rejection and/or bullying. It was his performance that motivated me to become a more confident and self-assured young man. This performance also inspired me to start writing fantasy stories of my own to conquer my own fears within myself. Since I am an Austininte, I met him in Houston while he was filming Sidekicks with Chuck Norris, and I doubt that he would remember me, but his performance in this film motivated me to start taking courses in martial arts and self-defense. It was almost as if the characters he was portraying were actually myself onscreen, or who I wanted to be. I must tell you, kids can be very cruel, and after what I had to go through, I needed a role model like him, even though he was only a few years older than me. In Summer '94, during a vacation to Mexico City, I met him again while he was there, I believe he was filming an episode of SeaQuest which had not yet premiered. I was still incredibly shy but hopefully got to convey to him that he already had been an amazing influence upon my life. I am now 24 years old, and am a professional electric violinist with several well-known and successful local and national touring and recording acts. Because of Jonathan's incredible performances throughout his younger acting career, I learned how to deal with the mistreatment that comes with being a young outcast, and became a stronger individual. I was devastated to learn that my school-age role model, Jonathan Brandis, had passed on after taking his own life, but I have faith that he is now in a better place and that his soul is no longer suffering. My prayers go out to him and his loved ones. I hope this testimony helps you all as much as it is helping me. God bless. Sincerely, Violinist Omar Lopez Ahh yes. The first time I saw Jonathan Brandis. It was 1992 and I was 15. The new movie was Ladybugs, and I was told I had to see it. When I did, I thought to myself, "Who is this handsome guy playing soccer?" I was hooked. I could not stop talking about him to all of my friends. I searched Bop, and Teen Beat for glimpses of him. Then Sidekicks came out. I pretended I was Lauren. That I was the girl he wanted. Something inside me knew that I was destined to meet this man someday. He was just 3 days short of a year older than me. His birthday was April 13, and mine is the 10th. Pictures of him covered the walls of my room. My brother teased me. My friends called me Mrs. Brandis. When Seaquest came out, I taped every episode. I could recite the opening dialogue. My friend and I had a rilvary going on. She loved Lois and Clark, and I loved Seaquest. We all know that SeaQuest was better. When the show was cancelled, I was devistated. As time passed, my passion for Jonathan lessened. I thought about him all of the time, but never wrote. I would do "google" searches once in a while to see what he was up to. Then on November 16th, my brother told me the devistating news. Jonathan had committed suicide. I told him that it was not true. That it was some kind of internet hoax. Then, I read it with my own eyes. Jonathan was gone. I could not cry. I could not move. I just sat there in the dark thinking, "This cannot be real. Please God, PLEASE! Tell me I am dreaming! PLEASE!" I also thought.."What about Greg and Mary?!? His poor parents! Their only baby! He is gone!" In retrospect, I wish I would have written him and told him what he meant to me. He was not just some "poster boy". He was my first real crush. There are so many things that I wish I could tell him. How much he meant to me. How talented I thought he was. What a good person he was, and how he touched thousands of peoples lives including mine. The sun may have set for Jonathan, but in my heart, I know I will see him again someday. And when I do, I will tell him that he was loved by so many, and that because of him, the world became a better place for so many people. He gave people hope and encouragement to be who they are. Thank you Jon. Thank you for being who you were. You were so beautiful...in ever single sense of the word. I love you. Contributed by Kristine Jonathan, You may have been one person in the world, but to many of us you were our world. We wish life could have been kinder to your gentle mind. We have never forgotten you, nor will we ever. Even when we grow old and forget who we are. Death may have taken you from us physically, but you will live forever on in our thoughts and memories. If we need to see or hear you speak, we can watch an old tv show, or pop in one of your movies. God Speed to you always. I hope you have found what you have been looking for. Contributed by Annie T. I believe I was 11 when I first became infatuated with Jonathan Brandis. He was positively the most beautiful person I had ever seen! I was glued to him whenever he was on TV or in a movie. As many others have said, he was my first crush. All of my books at school were covered with his picture...you guys remember..."book covers!" At home, there was not a space on the wall that did not have his face on it. I even went as far as putting a HUGE poster right above my bed so that he would be the last thing I saw at night and the first thing I saw when I woke up!! I forgot about that until just a few minutes ago! Those were the days...My thoughts were consumed with him. Every time we were shopping, I had to check out the magazine stand to see if there were any new ones out with him in it. When I read ana article about him dating Tatyana, I was SO upset! It was like I had found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me or something! That's how far my feelings went for him. It was like my heart was broken because he was with someone! Now my heart is broken all over again. I remember the exact moment that I found out that he was gone. I was working third shift at the gas station just last week. I believe the date was January 2nd, 2004. I was reading the Entertainment Weekly issue that was going back through the year. I was going through the deaths of the year and I had just got done reading about John Ritter. So, I was already feeling upset because he was a wonderful person as well. Then, on the side of the page it said "Young actor Jonathan Brandis, 27, November 12, 2004. Unknown diagnosis." I dropped the magazine. I could not comprehend what I had just read. I was thinking, "No, it HAS to be someone else!" So, I got home that morning and immediately got on the computer. I stared at the news stories in shock. I still have trouble believing it. One thing that infuriates me is he got no special story. Just a little caption on the end of a page. Yet, there were others that got tribute stories that I had never even heard of! Another thing is, why didn't I know until now? I had seen no news or read anything in my paper here about his death. And it was almost TWO MONTHS later! I'm sad today. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. I have no clue what would drive someone to take their own life. Why didn't someone notice? All these questions that will never be able to be answered. But we can only hope that he has the peace now that he didn't have while he was here. He will never be forgotten. As the saying goes, "You never forget your first love." Rest in Peace Jonathan. We will love you forever. Love Always, Angela Workman, Florida I live Los Angeles, and I had known Jon for about three years through another friend of mine. I'd had him over to my house quite a few times in the last year. He was an awsome guy. When everyone else had had enough and gone home, we'd still be up, in my livingroom until 3 or 4am sometimes, totally lost in the heaviest conversations about life in general. He was always a very intense person to talk with... smart, opinionated, funny, creative, and had alot of great philosophies. He LOVED to talk. However, he was not someone I'd clasify as "happy". There were many times when the word "frustrated" came about. Alot of the most talented and creative people I know fall under the "frustrated artist" catogory. I never thought him to be a suicidal person, though one particular evening I remember talking about the world and it's direction, or lack there of. He had remarked that sometimes he'd rather not be around to see things digress. I didn't think much more about that until I heard of his passing. Yes, he was a semi-perminantly depressed guy, most artist are. Yes, he drank too much, most of us do. Yes, his popularity had been waning , well so has Madonna's, and she is as big as it gets. To me, those things really don't have any merit. They are just side notes. Yet every artical I've read on his death not only mentions those points, but really uses them as a centerpiece for the answers. How unfortunate. I don't believe he had fallen victim to "The Child Star Syndrom" at all. From what I gathered, he was NEVER the most optomistic, upbeat guy in town. I thing he was very disappointed with things on a more personal level. I think that LOVE eluded him. I'm not talking about adoration, or fans, or even family. Some of the most loved people in the world feel lonley, or misunderstood. Some people actually PREFER it to be that way. The problem is, it is a VERY easy feeling to get lost in. Too lost. It is my belief, that he was just desparate to escape his own reality... And it is very important to remember that, under no circumstances, could someone have saved him from himself. I only wish that people had an opportunity to really know this guy, not as a "teen idol", but a very creative mind in full force. The ladder is a hell of alot more attractive in my opinion. What I am greatful for is, people like yourself who will keep all the positive things about him...his work, his smile, and his memory... frozen in time. That's the best tribute one can give. Contributed by Christian Dear Drina: First off, I want to say that your website is absolutely beautiful. It is truly a labor of love, and I believe that Jonathan would be proud to see such a loving, dignified tribute to his life and work. I look forward to watching it grow in the coming months, and I am only sorry that I haven’t much, other than a few thoughts, to contribute. I never knew Jonathan. I did brush past him once or twice, but the events were so insignificant, I’d be embarrassed to tout them about now. But I’ve been aware of him as an actor for about ten years and have dropped in on his career from time to time. I guess I first noticed him in 1993, when I was an undergraduate at UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television. After an unsuccessful stint living in the dorms, I moved into my own apartment just off campus, and a friend gave me an ancient 13-inch black and white TV, complete with wire hanger and wad of tinfoil (to serve as an antenna), for a housewarming gift. Between homework and productions, I didn’t have much time to watch television, but I did manage to squeeze in seaQuest whenever I could. That was when I learned what a fine actor Jonathan Brandis was. Even in grayscale and only a few inches tall, and flickering every time a helicopter flew overhead, what came through was pure and honest and human. He didn’t overact; he didn’t go for cheap emotions (anger is the cheapest of them all-beware, young actors!); he didn’t mug for the camera. He simply reacted to his environment as his character, Lucas, would have. And, as a result, what might have become an annoying character in lesser hands became likeable: you couldn’t help but like Lucas, and you couldn’t help but like Jonathan. One day toward the end of 1994, I got into an argument with one of my actor friends (I’ll call her Gladys here to avoid a lawsuit!) over the merits of Jonathan’s acting on seaQuest. I won’t give the bloody details of the argument here-the argument itself is not the point of this paragraph, at any rate-but I will merely point out how badly Gladys lost. Her position was not one of sound reasoning with specific examples to back it up (as mine had been), but one, as I pointed out to her, of sour grapes: Gladys had been unable to land her own series since she was six years old, and jumped at the chance to criticize any young actor who had “made it.” She stormed away at the end, but didn’t stay away long (she needed my help to study for finals). On the evening of the last day of the fall quarter, I invited a number of friends, including Gladys, to my apartment for a holiday/end-of-finals celebration. Gladys came armed with a gift: a flat, square gift that could have only been an LP or a calendar, and since nobody was listening to LPs in 1994, it had to have been a calendar. On the tag, she had written, “Since you love him so much…” (an observation for which I have only during recent weeks given her full credit) and penned a smiley face. When I opened it, of course, it was the official 1995 Sixteen-month Jonathan Brandis Calendar. After a good laugh, and several tries to explain to my other guests why I had been given such a gift (Gladys was no help here), I made some crack about discovering my inner 13-year-old-girl and grandly thumb tacked the calendar on the wall over my bed where everyone could see it (this was a one-room studio, so my bed was in the middle of the living room). I also remember my friend Doyle (his real name) saying, “Hey look, Dude, you could win a autographed shirt,” and sounding genuinely impressed. Jonathan’s calendar stayed over my bed for about a week, after which time I moved it to the kitchen; it started to feel kind of creepy having him stare at me every night. But in the mornings, when I’d get up and make my coffee, he’d be there on the refrigerator door, smiling or squinting or holding his dog, and I’d wish him a good day before rushing off to begin my own. It was kind of cool having him there. He stood by and watched when I stuffed and roasted my first turkey, and he quietly and patiently listened to my frequent complaints of feeling overwhelmed by deadlines and performance dates. But where he really helped me out was with my writing (my emphasis at UCLA was in playwriting). When creating dialog, I use a technique of envisioning a performance with actors whose work I know and respect; if I have trouble “seeing” the performance at any point, I know that there is something wrong with the writing, and it needs to be fixed. Being the consummate professional he was, and being so conveniently located on my refrigerator door, Jonathan showed up at every casting call in those days, ready to run lines or scenes or entire acts with my other dream cast members, over and over, without complaint, until the playwright got it right. I actually wrote most of my young male leads for Jonathan, truly hoping that if ever one of my scripts made it to the professional stage or were adapted for film, he would play a part in it. I graduated from UCLA in June 1995, and sometime during July packed all my things (including the calendar) into boxes and began a series of moves that ended in November of the same year when I moved into my apartment near the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and La Brea Ave. The box containing the calendar got relegated to the back of my hall closet (where it would sit for the next eight years), and I got busy putting together a life in the real world. I soon found that I could make a much better living as a writer in non-entertainment industries, and have since carved out a niche in workforce development. But I have never truly given up the dream, and have often found myself working well into the night on some burst of inspiration or another, and this would inevitably lead to thoughts of Jonathan. What was he doing? Was he still acting? Was he married with a little toe-headed son of his own about to play Bastian in The NeverEnding Story IX? After starting work, I was able to buy a color television and VCR and, over time, saw some of the other works in the Brandis canon: his bright-eyed Bastian and sensitive take on “Stuttering Bill” Denbrough, to give but two examples, demonstrated that even as a child Jonathan had the ability to deliver performances that went straight to the heart and captured something special and very human. I somehow missed most of the made-for-TV movies that followed the cancellation of seaQuest, but did catch Two Came Back, and appreciated Jonathan’s work in spite of the poor material and lack of strong direction. Then one night I fell into Outside Providence and was completely blown away when I saw Jonathan’s name scroll by in the closing credits; I hadn’t even recognized him, so skillfully did he fit into his environment. I remember thinking something along the lines of “good for you, Jonathan; you’ve made the transition from child to adult actor, and are entering a new phase of your career.” Somehow, all seemed right with the world, and I simply took it for granted that Jonathan would always be there, and that, someday, he might breathe that special magic of his into one of my characters. On November 12, 2003, a freakish and violent storm hit the Southland in the early afternoon and lasted well into the night. We had been told of possible rain, but nothing like this. Downtown LA and areas south of Wilshire were pounded with hail the size of marbles; other places, like my home in Hollywood, were drenched in rain so heavy it had nowhere to run and pooled in the streets and parking lots. As the day grew later and darker, huge-and I mean Florida huge-lightning bolts began flashing high in the mountains and working their way closer to civilization. I had been working in the San Fernando Valley all day where, oddly enough, the sun had been shining. Late in the afternoon, a colleague poked her head into my office and warned me that the world was falling apart on the other side of the hill, and that I had better plan on leaving early if I wanted to get home at a reasonable hour. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only motorist with the same idea. By 4:00, I was driving (crawling) east along Victory Blvd., still hoping to beat the Hollywood Freeway traffic jam I knew I hadn’t a chance of beating. It was nearly as dark as night, and the rain was just beginning to fall on the north side of the Hollywood Hills. All of a sudden, a lightning bolt, a giant hand with a thousand gnarled fingers, shot directly overhead and lit the road as bright as day, then left it dark just as suddenly. My heart jumped. The thunder that followed shook my SUV. I said aloud, “God must really be pissed off about something.” It would be another 12 days before I found out what it was. I awoke early on Monday morning, November 24th, or rather my cats decided that 5:30 was plenty late for me to sleep and began taking turns pouncing on my head. I pushed myself out of bed and onto my feet, grabbed my robe and dragged myself into the kitchen; at some point between making coffee and feeding the cats, I reached across the counter and snapped the radio on. “…actor Jonathan Brandis, best known for his role as boy-genius Lucas Wolenczak in Steven Spielberg’s 1990s television show seaQuest, has died in Los Angeles-” my eyes shot briefly to the refrigerator door, then to the radio “-in an apparent suicide. Los Angeles County Coroner says the cause of death will not be announced until the results of blood and toxicology tests are in, which could take up to six weeks. Brandis was 27.” And that was all that was said. It was over. Of course, like so many others, I ran to the Internet to find out more, and had to wade through the rumors and sick jokes to get a handle on what was fact and what was not. At any rate, there was very little of substance there to grab onto, just that his death was by hanging (unbelievable!) and that he had been declared dead at 2:45 p.m. on November 12th. He had been gone nearly two weeks, and I hadn’t known. Only one word came to mind: Why. I suppose that something in me didn’t want to believe it badly enough that the professional in me kicked in and took over, and I spent that Monday, and Tuesday and Wednesday as well, clearing up several small projects on my desk before leaving town for the Thanksgiving holiday. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving morning, while driving up I-5 to spend the holiday weekend with my family in the San Francisco Bay Area, that it really hit me. Somewhere just north of the exit to Lost Hills, Wasco, the tears began to fall. Images of Jonathan poured into my head, not from his films or TV shows, or even running the lines from some long-forgotten play of mine; they were images of a Jonathan I hadn’t ever thought about until then: a sleepy six-year-old boy bundled in a blanket, riding in the car with his mom to New York, early on a cold winter morning; a slightly awkward 13-year-old shooting hoops on the driveway with his dad, brushing strands of sweaty hair from his eyes and talking excitedly about girls and cars and anything else that came to mind; a pensive 17-year-old staring quietly out the kitchen window on a rainy afternoon, a little white dog asleep at his feet; a solemn-faced 19-year-old stepping onto a plane for Orlando, hoping his folks hadn’t seen the redness in his eyes as he’d left home that morning as an adult for the first time; a spiky-haired 23-year-old surrounded by friends at the Roxy, shouting wildly to be heard over the band; a world-weary 27-year-old, tossing his keys on the coffee table and dropping heavily onto the sofa. As I drove, the tears continued to fall, and it disturbed me a great deal: why was I so upset? How could a grown man weep like a baby over the death of an actor he’d only known as ink on paper and light on screen? Even the images that continued to flood my thoughts-the first trip to the dentist, the last trip to the grocery store-were imagined; I had no idea if they resembled at all the life of the flesh and blood Jonathan. But it didn’t seem to matter; I wept for him all the same. Real or not, my Jonathan was capable of dying, and that meant he was human. And that he chose to die made him even more so, and made losing him that much more difficult to bear. Jonathan’s calendar is pinned up over my computer now as I write; after returning from the Thanksgiving holiday, I dug it out of the box in the back of my hall closet and hung it where I would see it every day. It’s a little yellowed around the edges, but the colors are still bright and the images are just as I remember them. I plan to turn the pages with the changing of the months; this year, I vow to leave it up past July. January’s Jonathan is looking down at me now, his young, beautiful face forever frozen in smile. Today is Wednesday, January 11, 1995, a remnant of a simpler time when the world was less troubled, I was going to be the next Sam Shepard, seaQuest would be on this Sunday night (“Lostland”), and the 11th and 12th were nothing more than two days of the month. In closing, I want to extend my deepest sympathies to Jonathan’s family and friends; I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling now. To Greg and Mary Brandis, in particular, I offer all of the love I have in my heart, and I thank you for the precious gift of your son; you and he will forever be in my thoughts and prayers. To the rest of us, those of us who loved but never knew Jonathan, I can only validate the grief we feel by pointing out that we didn’t need to know him personally to recognize that Jonathan’s was a unique spirit capable of reaching out across the airwaves or through a darkened theater to touch us in ways that, perhaps, we are now only beginning to understand. And to Jonathan Gregory Brandis, for weeks I have wished that I could turn back the clock and somehow impose myself into your life, to stay your hand, to keep you here with us. But as I read the comments from people who knew you, I am slowly coming to understand that I probably could not have said or done anything that would have altered the course you had set for yourself, and while some part of me will never want to admit defeat, I also know that I must be content to let you go on your way, and trust that you are in a better place, and are happier there than here. Saying goodbye is never easy. So, stand tall, Brave Jonathan! And from your new vantage point, please look back on us once in a while and take in all the love that is here, that was always yours. Contributed by Jeff Rosenberg Hollywood, California Sunday, January 11, 2004 In a way,I was a fan.I used to collect Teen magazines like Teen Beat, 16, Bop and All Stars.The reason why I collect magazines was I had a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I still consider Jonathan Brandis wall worthy. The first time I saw Jonathan,besides Sea Quest 2032. I was 10 years old, My mother was watching TV. She was switching channels, then she came upon the movie LadyBugs. My mom pulled me aside and told me "You should watch this movie, it's funny",I watched it and when I saw him. I thought "What a good looking girl"!.I realized that it was a boy dressed up as a girl, I completely fell to the floor laughing. At that time,He was gracing the covers of the Teen Magazines. The last magazine appearance I remember he was in was the August 1996 Teen Beat, when he was doing the TV movie Born Free. The last last appearance was when he was going out with Tatyana Ali. In my opinion, I thought they were a very cute couple. I was sure in a way they were going to last, I guess not. After that, Jonathan seem to disappeared off the face of the earth. I knew he had done other movies. The last time I saw Jonathan on TV, Besides It,The Neverending Story 2, Stepfather 2 and Born Free,which I saw recently on Christmas Break are my favorite movies of his. I saw him on E! Celebrities Uncensored over the summer, I got to say he looked great,he didn't seem depressed but looks can be deceiving. I remember the day I had gotten word about his tragic death. It was Saturday, Nov 21. My brother was reading The Post, I was heading to the bathroom when my brother said "Someone from the Tv show Sea Quest had died". At first,I thought it was someone from the sci-fi miniseries Taken had died.I came out and I looked at the article. I saw that face under that gruesome headline SEA QUEST STAR DEAD,I nearly dropped the newspaper,Then I told my mother "Mom,You know that actor who played young Bill from Stephen King's It movie, he commited Suicide. My mom couldn't believe it I told my friends about this they couldn't believe it either. Later on next month,I found out that how he committed suicide.I have the People magazine and the New York Times Obituarary.I was so devastated that this talented,good looking actor who had a lot to live for could do such a terrible thing to himself.He had left such a precense, he had that sensitivity, that acting ability.If he would lived, he would had such a great career behind him. I guess his death had shattered that dream. I don't think of Jonathan Brandis as a another actor who commited suicide. I think of him as a talented actor who had such a great future in front of him. I'll always think of him as a teen idol of my generation,a spirit.This is an American Tragedy. I'll miss him forever. RIP Contributed by Connie Suicide is something that I know alot about. I've tried to kill myself numerous times in the seventeen years I've been alive. It pains me a great deal to discover that Jonathan is gone. A few words to teens who are thinking about it, or know someone who is trying. Don't let go just because you feel like everythings going down. Things will get better. For jonathan, we all miss you. Contributed by Kelli 
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In memoriam, Jonathan Gregory Brandis 1976-2003 |
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