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Fan WritingStories, page 3I found out about the death of Jonathan Brandis through your other web site. I could not beleive it. Jonathan Brandis? I was a huge fan of sea quest watched most of his movies. My younger sister was in love with him and I admit, I too had a secret crush. When I read about his death I remebered I had thought about him a few weeks earlier. I wondered what he was doing. He may have been a teen hearthrob but he also had great talent. I speculated that maybe he was on stage in brodway, or in independant films. Or perhaps he had gone to college and found another vocation and could possibly be living in the suburbs with a wife and kids. Regardless of what I thought, I knew that he was a person of great potential and that whatever he was doing he was happy. Or so I thought. As the events surrounding Jonathan's death unfolded, I was hit more emotionaly than I thought I would have for an actor that I haven't heard about in years. I grieved for a death and it was a grief that was three fold. My father committed suicide when I was eleven. He also hung himself. He battled depression as well as schitzophrenia and lost. I know what it is like to have a loved one end his life and I feel for his family greatly. I think suicide is such a waste, the worst sin is to give up body and soul. I also suffer from depression. I have been depressed since childhood and I rarely experience a day that I don't think I'm worthless or worry about things constantly. I constantly compare where I am in my life with others. A month prior to Jonathan's death I was laying in bed one night and actually decided to comitt suicide. My mothers codie pills and my father's whisky. It took all I had to not get out of bed that night and do it and now I'm glad I didn't. I recently got a fourtune cookie that said "the only way you'll fail is if you believe you will." or something to that effect. It has become a mantra. Because I delt with the same deamons that Jonathan faced, I somehow feel responsible. As though if I knew that he wanted to kill himself I could have done something. Wrote a letter, sent an email, even try to call him. Just to say he's not alone, to get help, to talk to someone, to tell him that his film career and his future is not as doomed as he thought. Maybe I could have made a difference, maybe not. But I could have tried. This thouight haunted me for weeks. Lastly, I knew that Jonathan had so much potential that was wasted by his suicide. He may not have been in starring roles the last couple of years or the films he was in were blockbusters. His acting ability surpassed all of that I and think that if he still lived, two or three years from now he would be on his way. From ariticles I've read on his most recent movies he was. But perhaps it wasn't just lack of roles or money that caused his depression; maybe he was like me and fought depression despite his successes. I wish I knew. That's my thoughts. I hope this brings myself closure over this tradgedy. My prayers are out to his family and friends. I hope to see him in the next life and tell him the things we wish we could have said to him on that day. Thanks, Susan I was Jonathan's teacher when he was in junior-high and high-school. I was his friend therafter until his death (and continuing). I wrote to tell you that I truly appreciate what you are doing for Jon's memory, and hope to tell his parents about it. They are, understandably, quite devastated, as are all of us who knew him. He was a model of perfection, physical and spiritual, that few of us will ever attain. But it came at a price, as some contributors have noted. Jon felt trapped by the "cover boy" image that Bop and Teen Beat fostered for him, and that many of us, perhaps unknowingly, bought into, even if we saw the real person behind the image so carefully crafted by Hollywood. He could not help that he looked the way he looked, and, unbelievably, didn't think that highly of his own appearance. Added to this, he suffered from undiagnosed depression, made worse by self-medication with alcohol (a depressant), and an otherworldly concern for others that made watching the world around him in such need too painful to bear. The contributing professional factors - "111 Gramercy Park" not being picked up, no immediate distributor for "Puerto Vallarta Squeeze" (check out the photos on their website. Jon looked great, if "hardened"), the disaster that occurred with "Hart's War", the difficulties in distribution with "The Year That Trembled" - all added up to a feeling of failure. The fact that there are almost 800 sites dedicated to Jon, that many thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of people are feeling the horror and misery of this loss - people who never knew him - makes it even sadder. But, at least, there is a place to share our grief and remember better times. The only positive thing to come from this, maybe, is that Jon, wherever he is, now knows just how much he was and is loved, not just by girls in their first crush or collectors of magazine covers, but by adults who recognized something extraordinary in those magnificent eyes. No photo ever did those eyes justice. The last time we spoke he was about to do a painting with someone he'd recently met, and he told me that he loved me. I have that, the personal contact, to hold onto. Jon was my inspiration and my blessing, and I would not trade a moment of our time together, even though I am left with this overwhelming grief, for anything in the world. One last note. In "The Neverending Story II" Bastian gave up his next-to-last memory to bring Atreyu back from the dead. Maybe if we all wish hard enough... -Gar (Jon's pet name for me) I watched the Neverending Story II last night for the first time in a loooooong time and this quote from the movie just touched me. I thought it would be good for your website since it is a great quote AND it's from one of Jonathan's movies. Bastian's Mother: "Don't be afraid Bastian. We are all part of a neverending story." Bastian: "We are? Even if we die?" Bastian's Mother: "Yes Bastian. We are." Contributed by Wily Fem When I was approximately 12 I was at a neighbors house watching the newest Stephen King T.V. movie, can you guess what I saw? That was the first time I saw those blue eyes. Like everyone else who first gazed upon his sight it was love. Well, the kind of love that occurs between an actor and a fan. I searched everywhere for ANYTHING on the little guy who played stuttering Bill. To my avail,nothing. Of course the movie wasn't on vhs yet and no picture of him anywhere. I bought the book. I figured if nothing else I could let my imagination run wild. The next thing I know I had this impulse to purchase a Teen Beat Magazine.In the middle of the magazine was the first article that I had found and it said "IT'S Jonathan Brandis". That was it, that is all that it took. I began writing letters. I was in love with the entertainment world, did auditions etc.I live here in Oklahoma so really there wasn't much hope out this way. What could I do but touch base with him. At first I would receive the normal fan club letters. Knowing that they were copies I continued to write for years. As well as continuing to "stretch my acting legs", taking classes vocal and acting etc. When I was about 14 or so, late one night, I received a phone call. It was him, the Jonathan Brandis. Of course for about 20 minutes of our conversation I didn't believe him and he was trying to convince me telling me about his upcoming movie Ladybugs and how he hated to shave his legs , all the while telling me that I was so much fun and he couldn't get over it. Finally I just let it go and went with it. I can still remember fishbone playing in the background. He was searching around his bedroom for one of my letters to convince me, he couldn't find it because his mother had just cleaned his room so what words flew out of his mouth...? Well let's just say that I hope that his mom didn't hear him. I can go through all of the conversation, I remember it like yesterday, but that would make for a much longer story. I bet you are already thinking get to the point. In the portion of our conversation that I didn't believe him he promised me that he would send me a hand written letter and an honest to god picture, not the same head shot he'd been handing out for years. He promised to do this in the timespan of 2 weeks. Not 1 week later a got a package and all over the back was written "believe It, It was me". Inside was my letter and a picture, autographed. Within the next 2 weeks I got another one with a new 8x10 picture autographed.I was on top of the world and for the next few years we kept in touch. Then I met my husband, and he began to do SeaQuest and became more and more famous.We lost touch. My point is that if it weren't for him I think that I would have lost faith in myself. Because of him I was a totally different person. I have alot to be thankful to him for.He gave me good advice, honestly he was a bit cocky, but really I didn't care. He was fun, and we enjoyed talking to each other. About a year and a half ago I ran across his address and phone # and it crossed my mind to call him or write. I really wanted to, to see what he had been up to, to tell him how I was doing. I figured that he was too busy and probably wouldn't remember who I was. It had after all been many years. November 13 my sister in law called me at work and the first words out of her mouth was "the radio said Jonathan Brandis committed suicide." I began to cry, right there in my office. To make sure I ran to the first place that I am sure everyone did, the net. There it was all the sites that had the words plastered all over them...Child Actor commits suicide. I was devastated, of course. The only things I had kept from my childhood that had to do with Jon (don't get me wrong my walls were plastered like wallpaper with his pictures, my then boy-friend, now husband felt it was strange to wake up in a room with Jon's eyes everywhere,asked me to take them down, we had a flood and they were destroyed) was his letters, autographed pictures and sea quest doll. I just went home that day and cried.I cried for his sadness and for his parents. He gave me hope and courage to do what I loved to do when I was younger. He did tell me to make sure that a career in the entertainment business was what I really wanted to do because it could get grueling. I do not believe that he did what he did because his career was failing, I don't buy that at all. He had to have had such a sorrow among him and that makes me saddest of all. I often wondered in the last couple of months if I had just picked up that phone and let him know I was thinking of him, could that have made a difference? (But) I don't think lack of love was the problem either. The one thing I would like to express, please take the time to tell the ones you love that you love them. While you have that chance. Jon was a big part of my childhood and i will be eternally grateful for what he did for me. I could keep going, but I don't want to bore you anymore than I already have.this is just a little contribution of what Jon meant to me. Thank you for allowing fans like myself a place to vent and share grief. That is a huge part of the grieving process. Thank you! Contributed by JoAnna Morris I can’t believe Jonathan is gone. I just found out last Friday, as I was looking him up on imdb.com to find out what he was up to these days. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a death section under the birth one, and that it was a suicide. It had happened over three months ago, and I hadn’t heard a thing about it. Immediately I went to CNN’s website. I was sure imdb had made a terrible mistake. Tears came to my eyes as I read the article about his suicide. I’ve been thinking about him ever since. I’m an only child as well, and when I was 15 years old I moved out of my parents house and into my boyfriend’s. I had a terrible relationship with my mother and was looking for any excuse to get out of the house. I lived with this boy for three years. Each day we fought and frequently he beat and abused me both physically and mentally. I wanted to leave but I didn’t want to go home. Eventually I reached the end of my rope with him, and I decided I’d had enough, and moved home. Things were different with my mom at first, but as time passed we started into our usual rut of fighting everyday. By this time I was 18 years old (around the same age as Jon), and I was very mentally unstable at this point, and thought about suicide pretty much every day. I’ve always had a very vivid imagination and although I was pretty old to have such silly fantasies I used to dream of meeting Jon one day. I would frequently dream about living in California and auditioning for a part on SeaQuest. Of course I’d get the part, meet Jon, we’d fall in love, and live happily ever after. I also looked forward to running to the store every week and buying a new Bop or Teen Beat magazine to rip out his picture and hang it on my wall. My walls were completely covered with his pinups; you couldn’t even see the wall behind them (my favourite was him and Megan pretending they were growling at the camera). I guess my point is that this silly fantasy was the only thing that kept me hanging on. I knew in my heart I’d never meet him, and I never did, but it was that hope of meeting him that kept me from killing myself. In an indirect sort of way Jon saved my life. I only wish I could have returned the favour somehow. I met my husband at age 19 at Karate lessons (which Sidekicks inspired), and moved out again. Now at 28, I have a 6-month-old baby girl. I can only imagine what his parents must be going through. It breaks my heart just thinking about my daughter growing up and being so unhappy with life that she would want to take her own. My prayers are with his parents and friends. It’s so very sad. A part of my youth died with him. Rest in Peace Jon. We love you. Contributed by Tara Dunkley Jonathan Brandis Fan Toronto, Ontario, Canada Jonathan has always been in my heart. Very few people have ever had such an impact on my life. A impact so strong it hurts that he never even knew my face. Thinking back, I remember it all so clear. Fighting for the TV to watch SeaQuest. Riding my bide to Publix or the nearest 7-11 store to read all the interviews in all the magazines. Pleading with my 5th grade teacher to let us watch Ladybugs or Sea Quest in the classroom, ..."but its about science, Mrs.Harrington!!" She would give in, and if we were good we would watch a taped show. I had just one poster of him in my room over my bed. A picture of him sitting at his desk with a pencil in his hand leaning back in chair with a little grin on his face. There was something about him I couldn't put my finger on. How could someone be so special to me? I got this illuminating vibe from him. Especially from his voice. He had such a direct and diplomatic voice, it was like heaven to listen to him. I always dreamed of just talking to him for hours. His talent was so real. I could get caught up in the characters he played, and forget it was him. A bright blue eyed Bastian in Neverending Story II, A brave and adventurous Bill in I.T., The caring and serous Mathew in Ladybugs, The day dreamer/achiever Barry in Sidekicks, The clever and crafty Lucas in SeaQuest. The lost and lonely Casey in The Year the Trembled, I know there are so many other roles...and I'm trying to get a hold of all the shows and movies I missed out on. I felt I had some kind of connection with him, like when you see someone for the first time and you feel you have known them forever. Tissues pile everytime I reminisce, and if they ask if I've ever been in love..."yes, I've been in love." My soul yearns out to him, and I know he can hear every cry from my heart. He can feel every tear and every happy memory he gave me. He is the wind beneath my winds, my inspiration to be an actress. And when I look up to the cold starry sky, I know he is watching. And when I close my eyes nothing is said, I'm just slow dancing with him in the middle of an open green field that runs for miles and miles, his cheek on my shoulder and my hand on his head, we dance there for eternity and the moon comes and the moon goes, and the sun rises and the sun sets. Summer breeze to Fall leafs. He remains in my heart. Dancing the years away. God Bless My Beautiful Brandis, Erica Well, I have been thinking about Jonathan a lot lately. I just want to say that he still means a lot to me. I love you Jon for who you are, were and always will be. Contributed by Joanne Kelsey I just recently found out about the passing of Jonathan Brandis and must admit I was completely hurt and shocked with the news. I may never have met Jonathan but certainly was touched by his performances, I myself grew up watching most of Jonathan's on screen endeavors and will never forget the films he was a part of (I will never forget Jonathan). My family is currently grieving over the loss of one of our cousins who also took his own life last month, I can certainly feel and understand how Mr. and Mrs. Brandis must be feeling. My condolences to his family and friends during this harsh time. I believe that his memory will live on in the work that he did, he worked very hard to attain his dreams and that will continue to shine, his presence on the silver screen will surely be missed. May he rest in peace. Deepest Sympathy, Johnny Levine Gonzales I am shocked that Jonathan Brandis (JB) commited suicide. I actually just found out about 10 minutes ago while surfing the web for information on child actor's for a sociology paper. I was at a site that was dedicated to child actors and saw the name Jonathan Brandis. Next to his name was the word "Tribute." I was confused. I started thinking, "Isn't he the guy for Ladybugs and Seaquest?" I clicked and I was sent to this site. I was amazed and truly touched by some of the letters. I read the one from a declared teacher of his, Mr. Garcia, and I read what he theorized to be the reason of Johnathan's suicide. I was appalled. He is something I've dreamed of being since I was 10. The dream now continues at the age of 21. I've always wanted to act, but keep a behind the scenes 'normal' life. I remember him being everywhere in the mid 90's, but he dropped off later. Mr. Garcia's letters said how he (JB) believed he was a failure after all of the failed projects and how he wasn't too keen of own appearance. I totally related to that. Though I wasn't as big of success... I too feel like a failure at 21... Also, I get told that I'm attractive all the time, but I hate recieving compliments because I don't think that about myself. It really put things in to perspective for me... I've even had the selfish thought of suicide throughout the last couple of years. This really put things into perspective of me. A seemingly bright and potential man at the age of 27 taking his life? One could theorize on why he felt the way he did, but it just goes to show that no matter how successful and happy a person SEEMS to be... it still doesn't show the true inner feeling of a person. Everyone has some kind of void in there life... that is what makes life. You've got to be in constant search for something... Some voids become unattainable. What was his void? Maybe he was lonely and felt like nobody could relate. I've felt like that many times and know how bad it feels. Reading about this really brightened my outlook on everything and made me realize how lucky I am. He will truly be missed. I give my condolences to the friends and family of Johnathan Gregory Brandis. Just know that he loved you. Contributed by Marshall Malone 
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In memoriam, Jonathan Gregory Brandis 1976-2003 |
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