Fan Writing

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Stories, page 9

I just can’t believe I’m over 4 years late. Just learned the news a few days ago. I can’t believe it’s true. I’m still very much in shock, have been for days now.

I have a hard time believing how devastated I am. I read the messages and letters published here by others and I find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone.

I loved you with all my heart for years. Posters on my walls, never missed a show or movie... Typical teenage fan I guess, even though we all believe we loved you more than others did J.

I never wrote to you. I had a hard time writing in English at the time, I didn’t know what to say, etc. I wish I had written. I guess it’s why I’m writing now, even though my English is still not A-1 and I still don’t know what to say. It doesn’t matter anymore. In fact it probably never did. I’m sorry I didn’t realize that sooner.

I’m so sorry I never got to meet you and never will. Being in Quebec, Canada, it wouldn’t have been easy, but I’m left with the awful feeling that I should have tried harder.

I’ve now spent days, since I learned the news, watching videos of you, some old, some more recent to try to grasp what you were like in your last years… Wish I had “kept up” with your career but honestly, I hadn’t. And I’m sorry about that too. I see you did some great things lately and I’ll try to get my hand on your latest movies.

You meant a lot to me and obviously you still do, since I’m spending this time writing this message. I guess it’s also why I’m writing to you and not just about you.

I have so much and so little to say at the same time. I'm having a really hard time expressing what I feel. Some fans said it was like a part of themselves, of their childhood, died with you. It describes pretty accurately a part of what I’m feeling.

But another part of me is just sorry for you, not for me. I’m sorry you were so unhappy, after making me (and thousands of others I guess) so happy for years. That’s just not fair.

So long, angel... Know that we still care.

Contributed by Marie-France Noël
January, 2008

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I must have been in the third or fourth grade when some boys started teasing me about my last name. They kept talking about this scifi show I had never heard of because, apparently, my last name was only one letter off from the title of the show. Curious, I went home and told my dad, and together we looked through the TV guide and sure enough, there it was. SeaQuest. Very much like my last name. Seaquist.

It was on that night so, blame it on the curiosity, we watched it. I had always loved Roy Scheider (my dad's favorite movie being Jaws) so watching the show quickly became a joy. It was also the first time I ever saw Jonathon Brandis. He was my first crush.

My father and I quickly became avid watchers of the show and were both upset when it was canceled. But, such is television, and as the years passed, the show moved into the fond memory section of my brain. Not forgotten, but not actively thought about. I saw Jonathon in a few things after that, movies he had been in before that I had never seen, and a few new ones, and I always remembered, with a sentimental cheesy grin, that he was the first boy I ever thought was cute.

About a year and a half ago, I was home sick from work and was channel surfing when I ran across the scifi channel. And guess what was on? A SeaQuest marathon. I watched the whole thing. Hours and hours of my favorite childhood show. It put me into full nostalgia mode and that night, I called my dad.

We reminisced about the goofy shows we used to watch together like Star Trek, Monty Pythons Flying Circus, and, of course, SeaQuest. But my dad said something I hadn't heard before. "Didn't the kid from the show commit suicide?" I didn't know, wasn't sure. I didn't believe it. The cough medicine clouding my brain? Perhaps I just didn't want to believe it.

But, at that point, I had to find out. I got off the phone and onto my computer. Two words into the Google search box and I found my answer. There it was, in black and white, headlining an article on Wikipedia, and I was so unexplainable heartbroken. And so for the second time in my life, I cried for the death of a man I didn't know. (The only other time, it was Richard Harris.) But I was even more startled by the fact that I hadn't known until so long after it happened. Not that I actively sought out information on him, indeed at twenty two, I thought myself to old for such behavior, but I couldn't believe that I had never seen it mentioned before.

And so, once again, Jonathon Brandis passed from my active mind and returned to the fond memory, although now bittersweet, category. I have SeaQuest on DVD now, but haven't watched them in a while. Sometimes, doing so makes me sad. But tonight, my husband brought home the DVD from the Flash. Goofy show. I'd never seen it, and we got into disk two, and there he was. Bright blue eyes and tousled hair and my mouth went dry. And my husband said, "Isn't that the kid from SeaQuest?" (He had watched all of one episode with me before proclaiming the show 'dumb'.) I could only nod. And then he said, "Didn't he commit suicide?" It was like the conversation with my dad all over again.

It's so hard to look at him there...with his impish eyes and smile and think that roughly thirteen years from that point, he's going to decide that his life isn't worth living. That he was so distressed that he would...well, you get the picture, I think.

When someone dies of old age, or a heart attack, or cancer, somehow that's easier, you know? Maybe it's just me.

Jonathon, to me, calls up amazing memories. My first fuzzy feelings for a boy, yes, but more importantly, nights of popcorn and laughter with my dad. There really hasn't been a show since that we sat and watched like that. Religiously. Those are the things I take with me that have shaped me into who I am today.

Maybe this isn't the kind of story you're looking for. Maybe it only means something to me. But that's alright. I just wanted to say it.

Contributed by Jennifer Seaquist

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It may be easy for people to forget about Jon.

Well I know that me and others won't forget. I knew that it is another year since his passing. I also remember his parents who have loved his son very much.

God bless to Jon's parents.

Contributed by Joanne Kelsey

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I would just like to say my bit about the great actor and lovely person Jonathan Brandis. As the years go by i know i will always remember his great work as an actor. When i read the news of him leaving this world, i found it hard to hold back tears. It's hard to admit that you could feel so much for a complete stranger, but when you admire someone so strongly it's impossible to stay indifferent.

I know we will always quesion "Why?" and never fully understand it. It's hard to take it in, even after the years. I know i'll always wonder "why did he depart us?". It's a question no one can answer, all we can do is remember him every once in a while, to let the tears come and pay a tribute. I know i could never thank him enough for all the entertainment he gave us in his life time. For his perfet game.

Jonathan Brandis is truely a person to be admired. Even though he has left us and this world, never forget him and keep him forever in your hearts. He may be gone but he still needs our prayers. I know he'll forever be my inspiration, and i'll always keep a bit of my love for him.

May we remember him always, and may he rest in peace.

Lucille Cosgrave, France

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Contributed by Saskia

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Dear Jonathan Brandis,

I wrote so many letters to you in my teen and preteen years which I never sent. I would tell you about the bad day I had and share all of my teenage angst. I was excited to read that sometimes you called the fans who wrote you letters, but still I didn’t send them. I wish now that I had.

I never met you but I always felt close to you in the hypothetical friendship we might have had. I remember the first time I saw you. I was in 7th or 8th grade and it was Career Day at school. One of the visitors was a cameraman for SeaQuest. He showed the class some footage and there you were, just brushing your hair, not acting, probably getting ready for the next shoot and I thought, “hey, he’s a real person.” I began watching SeaQuest that night.

You were my first celebrity crush. Like so many girls, I collected all the pictures and articles from magazines I could find. I kept them in a binder and occasionally carried it with me. I watched every movie or TV show you were in. I even braved my fears to watch Stephen King’s It. In my daydreams I imagined driving up to Orlando to hang out on the set of SeaQuest with you. I composed conversations we’d have on the phone. It was naive, but I wanted to be friends with you.

I’m writing this letter to you now because I just wanted to say thank you. Although we never became the friends I imagined, you were instrumental in helping me meet my best friend. I just wanted to share that story with you.

It was freshman year in high school and we were both waiting for something. Deana was waiting for her mom to pick her up and I was waiting for band practice. We began talking and discovered that we had a lot of the same interests, music, poetry, books, art, and I just had to ask, “Do you like Jonathan Brandis?” Despite all the other things we had in common, it filled me with great excitement to discover we had the same crush on you. I actually had some magazine clippings in my book bag that I pulled out to share. We both gazed at you starry-eyed. We later solidified our friendship with shared viewings of SeaQuest. Deana and I have been best friends for twelve years now, and you were there at the beginning. You introduced us and I wanted to thank you.

I’m sorry I never wrote before, but I just wanted to tell you that you made a difference in my life. I just wish I had told you that before. Thank you.

Just a girl with a crush who wanted to be your friend,

Crystel Lee

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I'm from Venezuela, now i'm 26 years old, but you were my teen fantasy, i used to dream about you every night, and to think of you most of the day. I can't believe this may happened to you, I wish you had known there were many people who loved you, who cared about you, and admired you.I hope wherever you are remember this life and don't forget we love you.

Contributed by Jeniffer Rosales Briceño

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I miss you too, Jon.

I found out today about what happened. It’s April 17, 2007. Can you believe it? Somehow I feel that you are looking upon me right now with your lovely blue eyes and the sweetest smile, saying: "Hey, girl, you've got some serious catching up to do here.."

I have been thinking about you these past couple of days. I don’t know why exactly. Your birthday was last Friday but I didn’t know that. Was it because you had something to say to me? Cause if you did, you see now that I’ve listened. And today I said I’d search for you on the Internet to see how you were and what you have been doing lately and…..

I’m shaking. My hands are trembling and I can barely hold them still so I can write. Jon, I was not what you would call a true fan, someone who would keep posters on every wall and follow your every step. But I did like you very much and I believed in your talent for acting, writing or anything else you would have put your mind into. I believed in you. I can’t help wishing that I had been there to say this to you when you most needed to here it. But I can only hope that you can here me today. You did not fail on anyone, Jon, you know that now. Although the cruel decision to end your life crushed so many hearts, I can’t imagine anybody on this planet holding a grudge. We love you, Jon. See? No one can think about you in past tense. We love you now and forever.

Today, when I saw that “d” word written next to your name, I couldn’t help asking: “Oh, you dear child, what have you done…?” I called you child because this is how I remember you mostly, please don't be angry with me. I wish I knew what you were thinking that day. I wish I had been there to tell you how wrong you were. Perhaps someday, when we will all be together again, up there in heaven, I will hold your hand, caress your cheek and tell you what a sweet, gentle, talented and loving person you are. Love does not know any boundaries: not time, not space nor dimension. And yours is so great that has reached me far away, across the ocean, in Europe. It’s late and I have to go to bed now. I hope I’ll sail on dream to meet you. Please tell me Jon, on which star will you be tonight?

Contributed by Liana Hank
Bucharest, Romania

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How To Love

Getting to know people, becoming friends. After sometime goes by you become bosom buddies. You can share just almost everything, or not share. Just knowing that each one is there for bad and good times. Loved Jon alive ~~ still love Jon as he is not on earth. He also cared for all his friends & fans. Love is like filling a balloon and letting it fly away, feeling carefree. Love is a circle, enveloping us with warmth & beauty.

Memories

Contributed by Joanne Kelsey

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It wasn’t until three years later, sometime near the end of last year in 2006 when I heard about his death. A friend of mine and I were talking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas. She randomly made a comment saying, “Too bad Jonathan died.” I had thought she was referring to the Jonathan we were discussing and wasn’t very happy about it. She corrected me by mentioning the name, “Jonathan Brandis.” His name wasn’t familiar to me; thus, I decided to search him up. I was sad when I heard about it, but didn’t cry or anything. I wasn’t a fan. Somewhere along the way I started researching about his death. When I found out how he died, I became more curious about him. I was seeing more of his pictures and forgot how cute he was. When I saw his younger pictures, I remembered seeing some of his younger work such as Murder She Wrote, Side Kicks, The Never Ending Story II, Full House, and the Ladybugs. After that he wasn’t in anything I was familiar with. I was actually surprised I didn’t keep track of him because I was completely in love with his blue eyes. Partly because I was in denial that he died. I kept on telling myself he was going to be in a movie soon. I was going to see him on TV soon with a fresh smile and a new outfit. After seeing it written a hundred times and seeing all the articles, it became harder to deny and I had to face the truth.

I was sad, but didn’t cry. I didn’t cry until I met one of his friends here who started sharing numerous of his memories of him and Jonathan. By that time, I was no longer crushing on Jonathan’s appearance, but in love with his personality.

I felt a strong connection through his death and still do because I once wanted to commit suicide and I came out of a very deep depression. I wished he had held on because I thought it was going to be like that for forever, but glad I held on because I’ve gotten to know the joys of life. I’ve been able to laugh again and Jonathan (along with his friend) has played a part in that.

Life hasn’t given me a chance to help him, which, I wished it did, but it has given me a chance to help his fans (and others). People go through life telling you that you’re not alone. What they mean is you’re not the only one with that kind of struggle, but you ARE struggling alone. His death has encouraged me to help others because I have escaped the problems he had that many suffer. He’s also given us a chance to show us that there’s more to the person than what meets the eye. I like to tell people that there is hope in life. There’s a chance to escape from your troubles. You don’t have to end them yourself in a way drastically like Jonathan had. It’s very sad that he died. Not because of his talent, but the person he was. However, there has been some good that’s come out of it. He’s given people a desire to help others. People that didn’t admit it have now admitted they also want to commit suicide and are stepping forth all because of his act. I hope that after his death, it will prevent many from doing such a tragedy to their lives.

I am hurting for Jonathan’s parents (above them all), and especially his friends. I hope that along with them and his fans that everyone will find joy in life.

Thank you Jonathan for your inspiration. JB.org does play a part in this as well. It gives us a chance to help each other. Jonathan, you were very loved and precious. You had not only outward, but inward beauty. I really hope that you do rest in peace. There are some people waiting to give you a hug in Heaven!

Contributed by Rebecca Lynn

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